Ecclesiastes 11 tells us:
5As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the bones are formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
This is true. However, it is apparent that my Father has chosen to reveal more and more of His work to me during the past year or so, and this revelation is ongoing. Unfortunately for me, it’s often revealed via experiences I am led to live, which have been mostly very terrible, and the days since I was deceived on 7th September 2021 have been by far the most terrible of my life, and I know they’ve been rough for my Father too. This post will attempt to explain it all, and I will try to keep the balance between my experience and what God has revealed about Himself and His ways.
Before reading this post, for context, you will need to read the whole of my blog and website. I am joking, but you do need to read the previous post about my expectations leading up to the deception on 7th September.
The deception was complete during the very early hours of 7th September, when nothing happened out on the moor at the time of the new moon, which I recall was around 1.51am, and I trudged back home, getting to bed at 4.45am. Later that day, the anniversary of my baptism, I went to my favourite beach and swam a lot in the sea, enjoying being fully submerged again under the clear waters. I was still feeling fine at this point, and as it was new moon day too, I climbed some rocks to get off the beach, as well as the c. 400 foot cliff, and just got home in time to make the offering, with just four minutes of daylight remaining. I also witnessed to some military men on the journey home, as we crossed a river on a ferry. So, considering the night-time deception, and how deflated and tired I was, it was actually a good day.
The days that followed, nearly every day from 8th September until yesterday (8th October), were truly miserable, by far the worst of my life by a mile. I remember how I felt when my first cat was put to sleep and I cried like a baby, and felt that awful dark hollowness of mourning arrive. I remember how I felt when some clients lied about advice I had given them, in order to try to gain some financial compensation for normal market movements, the feeling of betrayal, the same feeling I have felt several times as my parents have turned against me, especially when they lied about some money I had loaned to them, at the suggestion of my crooked brother. But if I took all of those horrible experiences together and then multiplied them by 100, it wouldn’t reach the levels of despair and disappointment I felt at my Father’s behaviour with His deception.
I stopped praying for at least two weeks, and stopped lighting candles for Him too. I still obeyed His laws and made my offerings on Sabbath days though, but the love I had felt before had been wrecked badly, but not quite utterly destroyed. I had brief periods, barely a full day, when I bounced back, so you will see that I finished off the law explanations in this period and posted them on the site. That was a brief bounce before I went back down again however.
I have pondered why my Father did what He did. I can see that it was an effective test of faith, as I had already been out to the moor twice on fool’s errands thanks to Satan’s deceptions already (all allowed by my Father of course). So, I passed the test of faith, but the resulting damage to our relationship was severe, and is still not fully mended. So, other reasons for the deception are evident, and these reveal the work of God.
Firstly, my Father was revealing part of His character to me, via a personal experience. How shall I put this? If you have ever thought (as I have) that it was very cruel of God to deny Moses entry to the promised land for one trivial error, after all of Moses’s years of faithful service and sufferings, then you have glimpsed a part of God’s character there. He hasn’t attempted to hide it in the scriptures, but it is not pleasant to consider that God can be cruel is it? It is what it is, and I experienced it first-hand, but unlike Moses I hadn’t made any trivial errors. I can’t really sugar-coat it or offer any other reasons that would make such a deception acceptable, deceiving His own son, who was ready to start a global ministry, purely to test his faith. I suppose the faith test is ongoing because of this experience, because you would imagine that it would be difficult to trust Him from now on, but I still do trust Him. God is described as being perfect, in that He cannot sin or do evil Himself. But there are aspects of His character that are unattractive, but I have received manifold apologies from my Father for what happened, and He has let me know that He will not do it again, so I suspect that at some point in the future, He will reveal some even deeper reasons for His deception. I know that He has shown me that He couldn’t stop Himself, it’s just the way He is, and He wanted to see if I could remain faithful and still love Him despite knowing that He has character flaws, as we all do, and we are made in His image remember. I know this will sound really odd, but He made me to be just like Him, so I am brutally honest with Him at all times, as He is with me, and I doubt you would believe the way we speak to one another, but we each benefit from this, both of us changing in subtle ways, learning new ways to live our lives. It is no fun at all as it is happening, for either of us, but deep down we both know we have to deal with it, for our own benefit and for the future of the planet and mankind. I have learned in the past month that I sometimes need to bite my lip more, and that compromises have to be made for the greater good.
It is also the case that after thousands of years of humans letting Him down repeatedly, He has to test them beyond breaking point before He can safely use them in His service, especially for the very big roles. There is no doubt that my role is the most significant one any man has undertaken for Him, so not only did I get the forty days and nights with Satan that Yahshua had, but I’ve had another year of multiple visits from Satan, as well as this episode and another terrible item which my Father has asked me not to reveal, for reasons of global security. It’s all been truly awful, but I am still standing, my faith is stronger than ever, and I still love my Father very much.
I had some dreams during the past month, but I wasn’t writing notes, so a couple that had useful messages for me I no longer remember. But one dream I had was of me and a former friend playing snooker, and I had played a game-winning shot, only to see the cue ball slowly roll toward a pocket, because the table wasn’t level, it rolled away from the cushion, and fell into the pocket and I lost that game, and was very angry and shouted that I didn’t want to play any more. My former friend said to me ‘what, you don’t want to play a great game with a friend just because the table isn’t perfect’? It doesn’t need me to interpret this dream does it?
That leads nicely into more revelations though. My Father wasn’t supposed to create our universe at all. I have no knowledge of any higher power than Him, but His creation, light out of darkness, and order out of disorder, was not the norm. He didn’t really know what to expect as He created, as He is self-taught, and the whole process from the very beginning to this day, has been a risk to Him, and has been fraught with difficulty and pain, with brief interludes of joy, and expectations and hopes of a much brighter future, the future we all believe in and look forward to through our faith. He too has to have faith as nothing is certain, He has told me this. The longer-term future is full of possibilities, all of them are wonderful, but the next eleven years is full of danger and risks. But He, like me, is not afraid of danger and taking risks, for the possibility of a better, more fulfilling, more exciting life, with more love in it. I am thinking of the first time I was invited by my best friend Jamal to visit his family for dinner, after knowing him for just a few days through his caddying for me at the golf club in Agadir where he worked. He collected me and the friend who was on holiday with me, with another local Moroccan man driving who I didn’t know. We briefly stopped in some dark alley and my friend was nudging me in the side, thinking we were going to be robbed, or murdered. But I had a good feeling about Jamal, and felt we would be fine, and hoped he would become a friend, so I was happy to take that risk, and it has turned out that he has been my best friend for many years (you can see Jamal in silhouette in the header photo for this post by the way, looking for one of his less straight golf shots) . God does the same, all the time, reaching out to men and women around the world, giving them a chance to become His friend, knowing many will refuse the offer, and that others will become flaky friends, letting Him down and vanishing. But those friendships that succeed, for us and for Him, as well as marriages of course, they are what makes life worth living.
So, I drew a line in the sand a month ago, at my Father’s suggestion, telling my Father that I couldn’t serve Him if He allowed Satan to have continued access to Him in heaven (and there are so many other angels of Satan’s ilk, who hate mankind and do evil deeds to lead us away from God). Let us consider why Satan is still allowed in heaven, and is still loved by God very much, two thousand years after Satan was identified by Yahshua as being a liar and a murderer from the beginning. The answer is simple, it’s because God loves everyone, you probably knew this, I did, but I had supposed that those who do evil were excluded. No, everyone is loved by God, as well as all of the other creatures. My Father knows that Satan is up to no good here on earth amongst we humans, and I am sure that my Father has been showing Satan the error of his ways continually, hoping to bring him to love everyone as my Father does. Some examples of my Father showing Satan the error of his ways would be the tests for Abraham, when tested by the sacrifice of Isaac, the tests for Israel in the wilderness, the tests for Yahshua and many of the other prophets, and the tests for me, and of course the faith and love for God of every person who has died as a martyr through the ages. All of these examples should have shown Satan that humans can and do live righteous lives, loving God and their neighbours, and are no threat at all to the angels. Satan told God that men were all sinners, and asked for a tenth of the bad angels to be spared being locked up in the pits of the earth after the flood, to do his will and to show God how bad men are. Did God believe Him, just after the flood, despite Noah’s protests that men needed protection from the demons as they were up to their old tricks again? It is possible my Father believed him, but it also possible that He didn’t, and yet He still gave Satan what he asked for. We have to realise that we humans are late-comers on this planet, we have only been here for just over six thousand years, whereas the host of heaven have been here for billions of years, and they are the original inhabitants, living in the watery darkness. So, if my Father knew that Satan was lying about all men being naturally rotten, then we know that He was giving Satan a bit of time, a few thousand years, to repent of his view and also of his behaviour. We know that Satan has not repented though, and we know that his time is now short.
My line in the sand date was 7th October 2021, a holy festival day on the new moon day, the first day of the seventh month, a day of shouting and sounding the ram’s horns in anticipation of the victory of my Father and His people (Israel, not the land, but those who love Him and obey Him, through Yahshua’s blood, as well as those who did the same before Yahshua was on earth). As the day approached, I was still in the depths of misery, and also for the whole month I had suffered from poor sleep, waking through the night, or very early in the morning, and never getting a solid 7-8 hours. So I was miserable, depressed, hopeless and feeling physically exhausted. Other unpleasant matters had cropped up during this month too, but I will cover those in a separate diary post.
I knew that I would observe the holy day, as my own personal righteousness is very important to me, and even in the periods when I have been at odds with my Father, I have still kept the law. I found that as the day arrived, and having been receiving constant messages from my Father about family, and loyalty, and faith and love, I started to think about some of the martyrs I had read about, I think in the book of Maccabees, the faith they had, their refusal to eat swine flesh or otherwise to break the laws on pain of death, and how horribly whole families were put to death in the most brutal ways you could imagine, such as being skinned or boiled alive. As I considered these people, and many of the things I have covered in this post, as well as my own life so far, and my destiny, and as I played some shofar music loudly, I became very upset indeed, and had yet another bout of tears. And then I prayed, still tearful and upset, and told my Father that I forgave Him for the deception, that whilst it was really horrible and disappointing for me to experience that at His hands, that I knew that it was a personal matter between the two of us, and that I refused to allow it to deflect me from my role. I felt at that point that I was past the lows of the previous month and would be back to normal from then one.
I still had one unresolved matter though, my line in the sand. I wondered if anything would happen on the night of the 7th October 2021, but didn’t expect it to, and nothing did happen. So, the next day, yesterday, I plunged back down again. My Father became a bit angry with me, and as an example of the communications, He told me I was behaving in a retarded way. He also told me that if I am going to attend the divine council and speak the words that cause Satan’s rebellion and the war in heaven, that I need to earn my seat at the table. He also apologised some more about the deception. As I went to bed last night, I was still very down, struggling to handle how I could serve God in any global ministry whilst He still allowed Satan access to heaven.
I will mention at this point something I have mentioned before. I don’t want the role my Father has pre-destined for me. I enjoyed doing the law studies and translations and writing up the teachings, but travelling globally and being a light to the nations, and then becoming His avenger, and then His eternal King on earth, none of that appeals to me much at all (other than for the perks I can see in it for myself). So it has been easy to be miserable this past month, and to look forward to doing very little, perhaps answering some questions on the law, and then dying as a martyr in the 2029-2032 period and having a nice rest in heaven. Or on my darker days, I will admit, I pondered whether creation and life was really worth the effort at all, and would we all not be better off dead and gone forever, our souls included. Interestingly, suicidal thoughts didn’t crop up in this period, mainly because I love my cats too much I think, and I was just too miserable to even be bothered with suicidal thoughts.
So, I went to bed last night and prayed at my bedside, and it was very earnest and respectful and honest. I reassured my Father that He didn’t need to apologise any more for the deception, I had already forgiven Him for that. I told Him that my remaining problem was Satan and His access to heaven with his people, even as they cause such terrible times here on earth. I told my Father that I very rarely ask for anything for myself in prayer, apart from wisdom (and I mentioned that, like Solomon, I had been given too much of that perhaps). But one thing I have often prayed for was good sleep and a settled stomach, so that I have energy to serve Him and do some walking and weight-lifting at the gym. I mentioned that after suffering the misery of the deception, I had then also suffered a month of poor sleep, which can lead to depression. So I expressed my disappointment at how my prayers for something I need had been ignored, and it is written that God knows what we need of course.
I also mentioned something else that had happened during the day as I prayed, a feature of having the Word of God in me, but one which I find unsettling sometimes. I had been in the shower, and the radio was playing through the bluetooth speaker, I think it was Greatest Hits Radio. I had been deep in thought as I showered, and I was thinking about a video call I had planned with Jamal for that evening, and I was going to tell him that there were very few blessings in my lonely life, and that really the only thing I had been blessed with in the past 20 months was some fantastic close encounters with the local wildlife (birds, deer, foxes, hedgehogs, and of course some horses). Literally the very moment I finished that thought, the Word moved my attention to the radio, which was playing an advert which I had not been listening to, but the words I heard at the end of the advert were: ‘…which is perfect for me, as I’m an animal lover’. I’ve had a few similar experiences like this, and whilst the others made me smile, given my mood at this time, it made me start to ponder matters such as free will, whether my thoughts or my mind were really my own any more, whether everything in life is pre-programmed, including what we do and say. I don’t know how God can arrange things like that with absolutely perfect timing, but it is disconcerting, so I mentioned it in prayer too, although I suspect I will just have to get used to it, and I suspect I will experience more direct thought injections when I am travelling the world, to help me preach as eloquently as Yahshua did. I certainly feel that I have free will, we aren’t robots, or pre-programmed, and this isn’t a game or a simulation.
Last night I did sleep better, for five hours, and then another three hours of good sleep after waking up briefly at 5.30am. During the morning sleep I had a very nice dream indeed. I was on a roadside, in a warm place, with dusty roads and sunshine and trees. I saw down a side-road some lion cubs playing, they were very cute. One of the lion cubs ran out into the road, towards another big cat which I think was a cheetah. I remember calling out to the little cub to be careful. Then I saw other big cats come across the road towards me, so went into a garden and laid down on the grass and kept very still. One big cat, the cheetah I think, was behind me as a lay in the foetal position, it seemed to be smelling me. Another big cat, a huge male lion, was directly in front of me and was nibbling at my hands which were over my head. I was wearing the old gardening gloves that I wear (as instructed by my Father) to handle dead creatures caught by my cats, to keep me from becoming unclean.
As I lay there in the dream, I was speaking, just a few words. I was speaking to my Father, and I said ‘I’m not frightened. I love you Father’. Then the big male lion put his teeth gently on the ends of the gloves and pulled them off, and I heard the words ‘It’s time to get your hands dirty’, and I knew it was my Father telling me it was time to get on with the global role as a light to the nations. The big male lion was Him too, obviously, and the little fearless lion cub I had seen run into the road was me. Cool dream eh?
When I woke up this morning, I had an immediate thought in my head. The thought was ‘I know my principles are important, but I have to compromise on the Satan-in-heaven issue, because the future of the planet and mankind depends on me’. And then I was immediately at peace with everything, and knew I would be writing this blog post today, and was ready to move on toward victory. I reflected on the fact that it was my Father who had prompted me to declare a line in the sand, so I know that this part of the past month has definitely been a teaching experience for me, to subjugate my own principles for the good of the planet and mankind. Who else can you think of who subjugates His principles for the good of the planet and mankind and the host of heaven too, by extending His grace and love to people who don’t know Him at all and have lived a life of sin, or as unbelievers? So, He makes me more like Him, and through my reaction and blunt truth-telling from my own experiences with Him, He becomes a bit more human, like me, we meet somewhere in the middle, both better for it. My Father has also been telling me during this past month that He wants to give me His world, but I need to want to take it from Him, and to ask for it, and I think the deception and the line in the sand issues were final tests of my resolve, to see if I was willing to make the level of sacrifice that will be necessary to prevail in the next eleven years, and then to inherit the earth as my possession.
So, be of good heart everyone, very soon now things will start happening, so that the whole world will be in no doubt that I have started my global ministry. All of the unbelievers I know personally will be confounded, and all of the governments of the world, and all other supporters of evil, will be frustrated and angry, because, as usual, the darkness hates the light. But there will no stopping me whatsoever, my Father will be by my side, and together we will redeem His creation, and the final tranche of those who discover the truth, and come to have faith in God and belief in the resurrection of the Lord Yahshua, and then will be saved via martyrdom. It will be hard work and very testing I am sure, but I have no fear at all, and none of you should have any fear either, fear only He who can take your life and send your soul into the pits of the earth, your Creator and God, Yehovah. Do not fear the evil ones at all, peacefully resist their enslavement efforts, no masks, vaccines, or anything like that.
Music is a method used by my Father to communicate with me, and with you too, if you listen for the messages. So I will close with a link to a youtube video of a song that was played several times during the past month to help me to see what was happening, and to remind of all that I knew about my Father, and His infinite love for us:
My Father has known me all my life, watching me quietly, involved in my life all along without me knowing it. I have only known Him for around eighteen months now, since the Word was placed in me in April 2020, but I now know enough about Him to know He is worthy of our love and our trust, and that we should be very thankful for all that He has done for us via His creation of the world and everything in it, and for His ongoing careful management of the development of our species, made in His image, to give Him some company, and to be with us forever more in a world that will be so much better than it is today. He has sacrificed so much, including allowing one of His sons to be put to death as an innocent man, and allowing the other son to lead a life lost in Babylon, alone and confused, so he could learn right from wrong, before being rescued.
All praise and glory and honour belong to my Father in heaven, may I bless Him each and every day, may you bless Him too, with your loving devotion and obedience. I pray in the Lord Yahshua’s glorious name, amen.
Postscript: I dedicate this post to my dear friend Jamal, because our mutual love and friendship, and that of his children and wife too, have been a huge factor in keeping me going, and he has been one of only two men who stood in steadfast support for me at all times (the other being my newer friend Shafiq in Uganda). May God bless Jamal and his family, I hope with a family baptism very soon, and more besides. And may He bless Shafiq and his family and ministry too. Amen.